There has to be a beginning in order to get to the end. It is my belief that there has to be a way to heal if you were able to hurt. It's a balancing act. We must strive for better tomorrows once we have been abused.

I can not tell you of the many times my Mother would make my sister and I beat each other up. I can not tell you of the many times we were made to sit in a room with a monkey that played symbols that my Mother insisted was breathing. To this day I can not tolerate one of those stupid monkeys with the symbols. My Mother was very cruel to my sister and I. It was during a time when kids like us didn't have a voice. Social workers would come to the house and they would talk to my Mother and soon enough...they left. My Mother was a drinker. She was a "binge" alcoholic. She didn't have to drink every day, but when she got started, she didn't stop for a few days. Those are the days when all hell broke loose in our lives.

My Sister and I are close. It took us a long time to  get to this point in our lives and it is difficult for us to comprehend the reasoning behind our Mother's way of treating us. We were small girls. We couldn't have been older then 5 and 7. She would be at home, so very drunk...talking to spirits. scaring us to death. She would point at us and say "this house better be clean by the time I  get up or else"!!! The fear that she poured into us was something that to this day I can not explain. I can remember my sister having to kneel on a broom stick with her hands in the air for I don't know how long... My sister always got it worse. probably because she was older then me. My Mother raised us on guilt. To this day I can't stand the guilt that she molded into us.

I hate these memories. They make me feel dirty and degraded. Watching her sit there with a razor blade because "we better not move", while she slit her wrist because "we didn't love her". My poor Sister having to run to grab her the bandages and towels. Mom never cut deep enough to bleed to death, just enough to scare us into loving her. This was just a few ways that she managed to keep us in line. I will never understand why she kept us kids. She stripped us of our ability to be "normal" kids. We should not have had to endure as much pain and suffering as we did. My Sister and I should have never been made to fit each other. I remember having strands of my Sister;s hair in my hand. To this day it shames me. what is even worse is that people would watch this and not put a stop to it. I don't understand the rational behind all of this.

My Mother is still alive. She has dementia now. Not to the point of not knowing us or people around her, but she forgets stuff, asks a question again and again within 15 minutes, and is STILL as vindictive and conniving as she ever was. She is evil and mean TO THIS DAY! She still has the ability to make us feel guilty. It shouldn't be that way!!! For now, I do not speak to my Mother because she has the ability to piss me off immediately when I go to see her. I will NEVER be that type of person. How could she even look at herself in the mirror after the way she raised us ? This is where the abuse and neglect stops.  This is where the journey to my healing begins... I need to reflect back on these times in order to put them into perspective.  In order to find a way to "heal" through these painful events in my life, so that I can be whole for probably the first time in my life. I want this so bad. I want to be able to put those memories away. To finally have closure from this...