I find myself struggling lately to get through a given day. My mind wanders to other situations, times and places all by itself. My list of things to accomplish gets buried even deeper as the days go by and nothing is yet accomplished. I promised myself that this August would be different. This SUMMER would be different. It hasn't quite turned out the way I wanted it to.

11/08/2012

I have been working very hard at finding out who I truly am. It is a very difficult position to be in and I feel alone a lot of the time.  I struggle with anger that comes on instantaneously, without even having the chance to chose how to feel about the anger.  I find myself running to hide inside of myself in hopes of THAT being the answer that will get me through until the anger passes. I do not like these times in my life. I wish that there was a steady "calm" in my life. One where I was structured, had somewhat of a "routine" that fulfilled me inside.  It is like always being thirsty...but not knowing anymore what will quench the unstoppable thirst.  I had that "structure" in my life when my kids were small. As dysfunctional as it may have been from time to time, it was all that I knew, and I miss that. I miss randomly waking the kids at the break of dawn and taking them to iHop, just because we could... I miss the laughter and good times that were shared among "MY FAMILY". The kids do not even seem to talk to each other much these days. 
I do not like how time is cruel like this. I didn't know then how difficult it would be now in my life without this "family" always being close to me. My life is not where I thought it would be now that all the kids are on their own. I thought these were the days where the kids would bring the Grandkids home for the holidays and memories would be shared that would last into the generations that are yet to come. I am very sad by the lies that I believed in when I was younger. I do not yet see my "happily ever after" as the prize I looked forward to in this lifetime...

This is a VERY sad time for me right now, and I do not like a lot of things that I see... and a lot of things that  need to be said, just haven't had the right timing yet. My heart is broken and my soul is burdened by the ghosts that haunt me. I do not know how to quiet the train that seems to want to derail at each unknown turn. I am supposed to be so thankful for what I have, and in my heart of hearts, I TRULY am thankful and hope that my life is just getting its speed up... but right now...I am alone in a time of my life that should be so vibrant...yet there is so much darkness that I am slowly creeping through in hopes of meeting who I am meant to be once the path starts to clear and the sun shines upon my most inner being once again... This journey into my childhood... has started to bring out emotions that I honestly do not believe people would understand unless they themselves are also survivors of trauma that has lingered with them this far into their lives. I'm learning, and i'm releasing, but KNOW THIS: I just started looking inside at the damage done to me...I get fidgety when I think of how long I have been "frozen" in this lifetime due to the fact that I was unaware at how damaging this trauma can be on the body, mind and spirit of a person... Don't give up on me...I have a ways to go yet...And I need you!!!