I find myself struggling lately to get through a given day. My mind wanders to other situations, times and places all by itself. My list of things to accomplish gets buried even deeper as the days go by and nothing is yet accomplished. I promised myself that this August would be different. This SUMMER would be different. It hasn't quite turned out the way I wanted it to.

11/08/2012

I have been working very hard at finding out who I truly am. It is a very difficult position to be in and I feel alone a lot of the time.  I struggle with anger that comes on instantaneously, without even having the chance to chose how to feel about the anger.  I find myself running to hide inside of myself in hopes of THAT being the answer that will get me through until the anger passes. I do not like these times in my life. I wish that there was a steady "calm" in my life. One where I was structured, had somewhat of a "routine" that fulfilled me inside.  It is like always being thirsty...but not knowing anymore what will quench the unstoppable thirst.  I had that "structure" in my life when my kids were small. As dysfunctional as it may have been from time to time, it was all that I knew, and I miss that. I miss randomly waking the kids at the break of dawn and taking them to iHop, just because we could... I miss the laughter and good times that were shared among "MY FAMILY". The kids do not even seem to talk to each other much these days. 
I do not like how time is cruel like this. I didn't know then how difficult it would be now in my life without this "family" always being close to me. My life is not where I thought it would be now that all the kids are on their own. I thought these were the days where the kids would bring the Grandkids home for the holidays and memories would be shared that would last into the generations that are yet to come. I am very sad by the lies that I believed in when I was younger. I do not yet see my "happily ever after" as the prize I looked forward to in this lifetime...

This is a VERY sad time for me right now, and I do not like a lot of things that I see... and a lot of things that  need to be said, just haven't had the right timing yet. My heart is broken and my soul is burdened by the ghosts that haunt me. I do not know how to quiet the train that seems to want to derail at each unknown turn. I am supposed to be so thankful for what I have, and in my heart of hearts, I TRULY am thankful and hope that my life is just getting its speed up... but right now...I am alone in a time of my life that should be so vibrant...yet there is so much darkness that I am slowly creeping through in hopes of meeting who I am meant to be once the path starts to clear and the sun shines upon my most inner being once again... This journey into my childhood... has started to bring out emotions that I honestly do not believe people would understand unless they themselves are also survivors of trauma that has lingered with them this far into their lives. I'm learning, and i'm releasing, but KNOW THIS: I just started looking inside at the damage done to me...I get fidgety when I think of how long I have been "frozen" in this lifetime due to the fact that I was unaware at how damaging this trauma can be on the body, mind and spirit of a person... Don't give up on me...I have a ways to go yet...And I need you!!! 

Welcome!

It is my hope that by sharing my past experiences with (all types of ) abuse that it will help me become “whole” again. I can not tell you the last time I felt like I knew my way around  life. Don’t get me wrong, I have days that simply fly by because I am busy…but I also have days that make road rage feel like a sigh of relief. I’m not kidding. I know all too well how life can spiral away from me. It is my hope that by sharing with you, that I am able to “put away” the scars of my past in order to welcome myself to this future with bigger smiles and less sadness. I hope that you will chime in and help me get down this road successfully.

Along the way, I plan on setting up other pages that will have topics on recipes, remedies, raising kids and plenty of other topics that will make the transition through my memories easier to tolerate.

I look forward to starting this journey with you!

~Namaste

There has to be a beginning in order to get to the end. It is my belief that there has to be a way to heal if you were able to hurt. It's a balancing act. We must strive for better tomorrows once we have been abused.

I can not tell you of the many times my Mother would make my sister and I beat each other up. I can not tell you of the many times we were made to sit in a room with a monkey that played symbols that my Mother insisted was breathing. To this day I can not tolerate one of those stupid monkeys with the symbols. My Mother was very cruel to my sister and I. It was during a time when kids like us didn't have a voice. Social workers would come to the house and they would talk to my Mother and soon enough...they left. My Mother was a drinker. She was a "binge" alcoholic. She didn't have to drink every day, but when she got started, she didn't stop for a few days. Those are the days when all hell broke loose in our lives.

My Sister and I are close. It took us a long time to  get to this point in our lives and it is difficult for us to comprehend the reasoning behind our Mother's way of treating us. We were small girls. We couldn't have been older then 5 and 7. She would be at home, so very drunk...talking to spirits. scaring us to death. She would point at us and say "this house better be clean by the time I  get up or else"!!! The fear that she poured into us was something that to this day I can not explain. I can remember my sister having to kneel on a broom stick with her hands in the air for I don't know how long... My sister always got it worse. probably because she was older then me. My Mother raised us on guilt. To this day I can't stand the guilt that she molded into us.

I hate these memories. They make me feel dirty and degraded. Watching her sit there with a razor blade because "we better not move", while she slit her wrist because "we didn't love her". My poor Sister having to run to grab her the bandages and towels. Mom never cut deep enough to bleed to death, just enough to scare us into loving her. This was just a few ways that she managed to keep us in line. I will never understand why she kept us kids. She stripped us of our ability to be "normal" kids. We should not have had to endure as much pain and suffering as we did. My Sister and I should have never been made to fit each other. I remember having strands of my Sister;s hair in my hand. To this day it shames me. what is even worse is that people would watch this and not put a stop to it. I don't understand the rational behind all of this.

My Mother is still alive. She has dementia now. Not to the point of not knowing us or people around her, but she forgets stuff, asks a question again and again within 15 minutes, and is STILL as vindictive and conniving as she ever was. She is evil and mean TO THIS DAY! She still has the ability to make us feel guilty. It shouldn't be that way!!! For now, I do not speak to my Mother because she has the ability to piss me off immediately when I go to see her. I will NEVER be that type of person. How could she even look at herself in the mirror after the way she raised us ? This is where the abuse and neglect stops.  This is where the journey to my healing begins... I need to reflect back on these times in order to put them into perspective.  In order to find a way to "heal" through these painful events in my life, so that I can be whole for probably the first time in my life. I want this so bad. I want to be able to put those memories away. To finally have closure from this...

It’s hard to remember the first time I was abused. I know I was young enough to play with paper dolls. Maybe 4 or 5, but not older than that. My best friend can remember my Mother coming into the house where we were and smacking me so hard that I ripped the arm off of my paper doll from the force of her slap. I know I was very young. I didn’t have anyone to protect me from this because nobody knew it was going to happen. My best friends Mother told my mom that “If she EVER laid her hands on me like that again” that she would be very sorry. I do not think that my mother cared. To this day I keep a couple sets of paper dolls packed away. They remind me of how simple my life was every now and then. I love my paper dolls. I used to love color forms also. So many things that I enjoyed yet my childhood was stripped away from me before I could enjoy it the way that I wanted to. How does one come to closure with the knowledge that their childhood was taken away because of their Mother and her addiction to drinking? How does one come to terms with the fact that this woman could be so cold and heartless to someone that was small and helpless? This is a pain that I do not know how to comfort. Instead, I simply remember my days of playing as a child, during the times that my mother dropped me off somewhere with my sister, where we would stay until we seen her again. But even then, the abuse was lurking…

I went to the hospital with a friend of mine yesterday and on the way there we got into a conversation about being empowered. As a Woman, I believe that it is important to be empowered, even more so if the woman is a survivor of any type of abuse. It is difficult enough for us to have self-confidence, let alone have it after surviving abuse in our lives.  My best friend ALWAYS empowers me. She grounds me with power because she knows me so well. She believes in me more than I believe in myself!!! I am trying my “darndest” to regain my self-confidence. I go through days when it isn’t an issue for me, but today, it was a bit hard to find it in myself. I look in the mirror, and sometimes, it is hard enough to even like who I am looking at. I beat myself up “a lot”!

I try to remember the days when this wasn’t a problem for me, and I “see” that time in my life and wonder why it is I can’t get back to that place within myself. I know it is because I  heard so many times about how “fat” I was or how “nobody would want me”. Once you get that drilled into your head enough times, you believe it. It gets very hard to shake any of it off.

There are many times when I talk with other women, I  find that as I “empower” them through the conversation that we are having that I am also becoming "empowered".  Those times for me are fantastic. I don't want the time to end. I feel like I could carry the weight of the world on my shoulders after having time like that with people who understand how important it is to have one another through the times when we are not as strong as we would like to be. I believe that if we, as women, felt as though we could rule our own lives, even after the friends are gone, then we may be able to take on the challenges that life throws at us. It is only through continuous uplifting of each other and of ourselves that we are finally able to peel away the layers of doubt and shame. It is only then that we are able to see a bit more clearly who we really are.

I "KNOW" who I want to be. I KNOW how I want to look and it is all so clear in my mind's eye. Getting this person out in the world is a whole different task! I'm clumsy, and not very well balanced. I'm overweight and have hyper pigmentation...I fidget and and talk fast and rush through situations so that I don't forget what I was going to say. My mind spins and in an instant...I am able to scare away someone that may have been interested in getting to know me better. THIS is one of the times that I could really use the women who know me the best, around me, to help me not fumble. We are survivors for a reason. I believe it is because we have so much POWER and we have to learn how to harness it in order to pass it along to other victims who are going to need to be "empowered".

"WOMEN" are a mighty force when they come together for a cause. "MY" cause..." being an abuse survivor...has brought me to where I am today. I am ready to stand up for victims of abuse in order to let them know that there is a better way to live life before it is too late. I want (SOOO much) to dance like I used to...but I know those days are gone. I can't  get them back. My hope is to be able to empower others, before they get into a situation that leaves them broken and scared.

EMPOWER those who need it!!! Whenever they need it!!! If only to get them to a place in their lives where they can "SEE" that the road they are on is not the one to choose. Empower them, Empower them, Empower them...and in return, you yourself will begin to be empowered in ways you never thought possible!!!

~Namaste

My Brother, My Friend... R.I.P

I have a very difficult time looking into my past without "seeing" and or "remembering" the times that I despise. There are SOOO many. Yesterday, I received news that Pete, (my youngest son's Godfather, "Uncle PE-BAH") passed away. He was 41. I was transported to the days when his laughter filled rooms! I can remember Pete with his beautiful long hair.

I used to braid it for him before he would step into the show ring as THEE handler for (at the time) our dog "Jet" who Championed out in the show ring because of Pete. 

Pete joined us on a trip (My husband and I at the time) to Tennessee to breed our female, (Grand Champion Cheek's Sizzlin Sarah) in order to "procreate" Jet.  I can remember driving to Tennessee, Wayne was driving, I was sitting on the center councel, and Pete had the passenger seat, and as we drove through the corn fields in the pitch dark night, Pete started to chant  "CH-CH-CH---Hu-Hu-Hu"... and Wayne slapped his hand on the outside of the truck and Pete would chant... "J-J-J-Jason"...from Friday the 13th. I was so scared. They did this until I was almost into tears... I look now and I wouldn't trade that night for anything in the world. 

Pete had broken his arm one time or fractured it, I can't remember, but his arm was in a cast, and he used to come over all the time to our house, and I would ask him to chop my shoulders, because I have always had stress in my shoulders, and he "chopped" me a bit too hard at first and I was SO HURTING from this, but he didn't realize it was going to hurt me. Pete felt so bad...apologized over and over...

When I gave birth to my youngest son Cory, Pete came up to the hospital with my ex, to see me. He had a small vase of flowers for me. I asked him if he wanted to see the baby, and he said that he "already did". I didn't understand how he could have since the baby had been with me in my room the whole time, and he replied, "I seen him last night already on the camcorder". And because I was "ni-eve" (and medicated) it was like "OH DUH KAMMY!" for me...again, we had a great laugh!!!

My best memories of Pete are with the kids... Dancing the "Macarena" with them "back in the day". I remember the "neighborhood" coming over and playing "excite bike" in the Nintendo for weeks at a time...You could always tell when it was Peter walking down the street by the way his hair "bopped" with the movement of his walk. We would laugh about it. I believe it is even on video tape...in fact, I know it is...because Pete just had this "Happy" walk about him all the time...

The first time I had ever been in a "MOSH PIT" was when I was at the RAVE to see Pete (and the other guys from the band) and Derek ("Duck")perform. If it wasn't for Deelane I believe, I would have been seriously hurt because I was standing where the "pit" was, talking to Deelane, when the music started and EVERYONE took off in my direction to "mosh"! Deelane grabbed me out of the way! (WHEW!) I knew quickly what it now means to "MOSH". (I was never into that type of music, I was there to show my love and support to Pete. I cheered as loud as I could. I was sooo proud of him! Whenever I "see" Pete, I hear his laughter... He had a wonderful laugh.

I knew Peter since he was 16. His bond my Ex was something special. They fed off each other's energy and THOSE are days that I will CHERISH in my memories!

I havn't talked to Pete in years...and now he is gone. I can not describe the pain I feel in my heart. I wish things would have turned out differently for many of us...and now, especially Peter...He is just simply "Gone too Soon".

I miss you Pete...I only wish that in this lifetime, you would have known how much you meant to me. 

You saved me from SOOO much abuse, stress and tribulations, to say the least... Pete...I will NEVER forget you...

All My Love and Friendship... <3    R.I.P